to wish was to hope and to hope was to expect
i watched practical magic for the first time this week and just like any other person, i do want my life to be filled with love spells and a beautiful house and little dances around the kitchen and lavender in the garden for good luck and to fall in love whenever i can.
it’s been like this since i was a child. i watch a new movie, i have an epiphany and then convince myself that my life is changed forever. the pattern hasn’t changed. it’s like watching the hunger games for the first time and suddenly i need to be powerful and brave and fight like katniss everdeen or watching the princess diaries and trying to find a way to be the next queen of genovia.
but with practical magic, i didn’t need to create the perfect narrative to be the main character—mainly because i already felt like one the second the movie started.
sally and gillian owens are two sisters from a family of witches with totally different personalities and different minds and yet, they both want to fall in love, which was the trickiest spell of it all.
of course i want their entire wardrobe and their house and their funny witchy aunts. i want sandra bullock’s enchanting smile and nicole kidman’s effortlessly cool vibe and their hair and their partnership and sleepless nights filled with midnight margaritas while listening to “coconut” by harry wilson. but the thing i wanted most was already transformed into a quote in a letter form, written by sally.
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still, sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing . . . I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen.
it was like a punch on the stomach, right at the beginning, hearing a quote that feverishly sent a wave of shock through your current like hot water—a reminder that to feel uncomfortably seen is also to be known by yourself. and what i liked most about this movie is how honest these two witchy sisters are when it comes to being loved.
there are times that life feels so heavy that only a carefully crafted spell with a little bit of pixie dust would fix it. we all want to be seen and to be loved and to be whole. it’s like a pattern, like this all consuming feeling will somehow become real and crack the code that was waiting to be done this whole time and make my wishes come true.
but what am i to wish for when i’m empty of belief?
what am i to expect if my heart is an open door for sadness and anger and guilt? what am i to say to my reflection in the mirror when my vision is blurry and bathed in darkness? what am i to dream for when there is not even anyone to dream about?
i need a spell to tell me that love is on the way and that there’s someone holding the keys to the golden gate of my heart. i need a spell to help me save the softest and darkest parts of my longings inside a box because a dream is a soft place to land and to dream is to believe even when you possibly can’t. i need a spell to teach me to be patient with the space between present and future, time and wasted time, grief and peace. a spell that helps me find beauty when i only see sorrow. that sends a cryptic message to my brain as if to make sure that everything around me will be okay.
songs and poetry can’t substitute longing, but it can give you the feeling of the feeling. like two sides of the same coin, two parallels aligned with the same patterns, the same formula, the same meaning in a different shape.
when kacey musgraves said “i would give you everything that you wanted and i would never ask for anything of it back and if i could take only as much as i needed, i would take everything you had” and when joni mitchell said “i've looked at love from both sides now, from give and take and still somehow, it's love's illusions that i recall, i really don't know love at all” it’s like a one-dimensional house full of thoughts.
the first stage of longing—looking at love like an illusion, a collision of little fragments to be given and to be taken but also to be kept at the same time. “i have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each night, wanting.”
when florence welsh said “but the loneliness never left me, i always took it with me but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company. and there will be no grand choirs to sing, no chorus will come in, no ballad will be written, it will be entirely forgotten” and when taylor swift said “i’m lonely but i’m good, i’m bitter but i swear i’m fine. i’ll save all my romanticism for my inner life and i’ll get lost on purpose” as an honest plea to be understood even if you can’t understand yourself.
the second stage of longing, the battle between loneliness and false belief. not knowing whether you should trust a brand new feeling or locking yourself up on your own secret world of fear. “sometimes i feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn.”
when stevie nicks said “i turned around and the water was closing all around like a glove, like the love that had finally, finally found me and i knew in the crystalline knowledge of you, drove me through the mountains through the crystal like clear water fountain, drove me like a magnet to the sea” and when hayley williams said “and now you're pumping air to my lungs, this don't feel anything like sinking in fact, no matter how deep i go into you it looks like the water is crystal clear” and when phoebe bridgers said “and i used to think you could hear the ocean in a seashell, what a childish thing” it instantly feels like being pulled out of the rush of the ocean only to be found safe on the shore.
and the third stage of longing—having something to wait for, to lose, to keep and to exist within. realizing the unknown shapes of a brand new and safe feeling. like being wrapped in somebody’s arms like you’re made of glass and being surrounded by a love that was found before it was lost. “i think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.”
i've waited many years, every print i left upon the track has led me here. and next year, it'll be clear this was only leading me to that and by that time, i hope that you love me
I Want You To Love Me by Fiona Apple
because time might cast a spell and the realization of space, time and peace will all come together like a golden password of an old email account that belonged to you as a teenager.
"I wish someone had told me that love isn't torture. Because I thought love was this thing that was supposed to tear you in two and leave you heartbroken and make your heart race in the worst way. I thought love was bombs and tears and blood. I did not know that it was supposed to make you lighter, not heavier. I didn't know it was supposed to take only the kind of work that makes you softer. I thought love was war. I didn't know it was supposed to...I didn't know it was supposed to be peace."
Daisy Jones & the Six
and just like sally owens, i dream of being loved as being found. of giving fragments of myself to be kept. unlocking the mystery of who i am, to bend into these foreign shapes, bewitched by the sparkles of true love in real time. to have someone to say “i wished for you too” because to wish was to hope, and to hope was to expect, all along.
here’s a playlist for us to embrace all of the spells that we create in our minds <3
thanks for reading, dear reader :)
love,
Luana
LUANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
i’m SAT